


over the years

by kosmokuns



Category: Formula 1 RPF, Formula 2 RPF, Formula 3 RPF
Genre: Autistic Character, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Platonic Relationships, Shouting At Your Homie, Suicide mention, just once at the end, lando is a little bitch in this sorry lando, story of max and dan's friendship!!, thats dan, the character thinks about it but doesnt do t, this is all about platonic love bc friendships are amazing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:48:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29764707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kosmokuns/pseuds/kosmokuns
Summary: the story of max and dan's friendship from 12 year olds in karts to 21 year olds with serious issues.
Relationships: Max Fewtrell & Daniel Ticktum
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	over the years

The thing is Max is a people person, he naturally attracts friends, adults call his big cheeks cute and laugh at his jokes and he basks in it. Kart tracks are busy with families and mechanics and it’s essentially just having fun with your mates _,_ there are no downsides. He gets to skip school, drive fast and laugh with his friends afterwards. It feels like a dream. There’s people he likes to laugh with, Lando and Oli, Callum as well, but there’s a softness about him Max is careful to tread, and Enaam loves to chat and Jehan is quieter but kind, never brash like Lando can be. And in the midst of them all, there’s Dan. He’s different from them with a short fuse as unpredictable as an earthquake and a wicked mouth and loud laugh. He doesn’t ever shy away from anything, takes everything literally and is as blunt as can be, while at the same time cannot stand sudden noises or the strong smell of Lando’s egg sandwiches. He’s a bit special, in Oli’s words and Max agrees with him, because he’s a teenager and infinitely cooler than them. Max gets the feeling he’s the only one that actually likes him, the only one that invites him over for dinner at his home after a Saturday race. He doesn’t really know what to do about it, being 12 and all, so he continues as he is. He ignores the tension he can sense at times between them all and focuses on his racing and his friendships.

They all finish karting at 15 years old with championships and wins, and Max even has friends at the end of it. Dan still hasn’t grown out of his weirdness like Max’s mum told him he would, but he pays no mind. They bicker, they make each other laugh, Max likes being his friend. There is a stark moment of realisation though, when during the winter Lando is at his house building his new lego set with him and starts talking about their karting friends.

“Who do you think is going to do well next year in F4?” He asks and spreads out dark grey blocks on the carpet. Max hums,

“Callum, you, me hopefully, Dan as well,” He says, not really concentrated. Lando huffs,

“Do you actually like Dan?” He says it with a disapproving tone that makes Max look up,

“Yeah, I do, don’t you?”

“No, he’s weird as hell mate, I only talk to him so he doesn’t hate me. I don’t want to be on that side of him,” Lando clicks his tongue on the top of his mouth, “You can be friends with who you want though,”

“He’s really funny when he wants to be, he has his moments though, I have to admit,” Max concedes. He always does to Lando, there’s this quality about him which makes Max pick his side every time without realising. Again, he doesn’t dwell on it. There’s no point in worrying about things he can’t explain.

*

Lando, of course, was right. Dan drives into Ricky Collard in his first season in F4 only a few races in. Max doesn’t really know what to think, he’d met Ricky a few times and seemed like a nice kid, however, he knows what Dan can be like. Dan gets his ban, which is deserved in everyone’s opinion, and Max carries on with his own racing. They text a bit, it’s fragile and tentative on Max’s side until Dan calls him out on it.

_Dan: mate I know I’ve shocked everyone and done some horrible inexcusable shit but u don’t need to treat me like glass. I’m not going to go off on you just come round and have dinner alright, my mum misses u_

_Max: haha yeah sorry mate, of course. Ur mum loves me more than u tho ;)_

_Dan: I think at the moment ur right haha_

The dinner goes fine, and Max is back to being his mate. Lando gives him disappointed stares when Dan isn’t looking, having proclaimed that if Max has made up with him, he has too as well. Max accepts it and moves on.

Dan’s social skills still haven’t normalised, and they’re 16, Max knows he struggles at school but doesn’t bring it up. He doesn’t quite realise the importance of talking yet and doesn’t know that just talking will save his life a few years up the road. Dan’s quirks, as they’ve become known, are notorious by now. There’s constant complaints about how he’s always moving or singing or swearing, he even gets scolded for how he moves his face sometimes and Max watches on, sees it all, and wonders why Dan can’t just be like the rest of them. The other mums gossip about him at the side of the tracks, and his family is ostracised by everyone but the Fewtrells. Max really, really hopes he never stands out like that.

He asks about it once, during one of their arguments,

“Why can’t you just be like us?” Max shouts at him, “Why do you have to be so different?” Dan recoils instantly, and his face twists into its customary rage,

“I don’t _fucking_ know, Max, I would love to be like you, but I can’t. Life doesn’t make fucking sense to me at all,” He screams, “It’s all just bullshit, I’m sick and tired of people telling me what the fuck to do when I’m trying so hard already, and nothing is working,” His chest heaves when he’s done, and his hands are curled into tight fists by his side. He glares daggers at Max, who’s done with arguing, and shrugs,

“Whatever, fuck this, calm down and talk to me like a normal person later,” Max says tiredly, and walks off, leaving Dan to stew in his driver’s room alone.

*

Their careers split in 2018 after Dan finished behind Max in Formula Renault by 30 points in a field where about ten of them were decent. They keep in contact, but it’s hard with the travelling, and they exchange birthday calls and ask about each other’s families. Lando is miles ahead of both of them, his extraordinary talent and dad’s money boosting him up the ranks with a championship win in F3 and a second place in F2 he’s off to F1 with McLaren. They both try not to be too jealous, and they talk about it a bit. It makes Max feel better about his own feelings about Lando, that he isn’t the only one that likes him but slightly resents him as well.

Dan is still strange and hasn’t made many racing friends like Max has, and Max is starting to pick up on it. They’re both 19 in the summer and Max has a moment where he realises Dan is inherently different to them and needs to be handled accordingly. Over the winter break, their friendship morphs into a close bond and Max finally gets Dan in a way he didn’t before. He doesn’t let Dan give him shit, but still gives him space to vent and he doesn’t engage Dan when he’s raging, just lets him burn himself out. Dan doesn’t voice his gratefulness, he doesn’t need to, Max can tell he is and of course they still argue, it is Dan after all, but it’s tamer than before. Max feels wise with his new adulthood.

*

2019 is a write off for both of them, Max’s slightly more okay because he’s a rookie, but Dan gets dropped by Redbull and isn’t happy about it. He feels like he’s missed his shot unfairly, and Dan and unfair does not mix.

“Mate, it’s just fucking ridiculous. I mean honestly, how was I meant to go to a new country with a new language and team and win it all at once. It was a pisstake,” Dan says during a game of Call of Duty. Max makes a sympathetic noise,

“I know mate, they put a lot of expectation on you,” Dan groans audibly over his headset,

“At least there’s F2 next year,” He says, and Max turns and shoots a guy running from behind him,

“Yeah, it’s not all bad, and I’m going to a decent team in F3. There’s hope for both of us yet,” He says, and Dan laughs his pity laugh, his everything-is-shit-but-I’m-laughing laugh,

“I fucking hope you’re right,” He says.

*

2020 is shit for Max. Really shit. First Covid then an awful time in F3. His mental state deteriorates with every weekend, every bad qualifying and race drops his head more and more until his thoughts are a cacophony of useless, useless, useless over and over again. He loses his confidence in himself and the car, and he’s a miserable git to his parents and his saving grace is his cat who sits on his lap and purrs while he cries. For the first time in his life, he feels isolated inside his own head. He feels like he’s failed as a human, like he’s worthless.

There’s one moment where he realises, he’s lost it. He’s trimming his beard and a voice in his head tells him to nick his skin, hurt himself like he deserves. Immediately shaken, he throws his razor into the sink and turns it off at the wall with trembling hands. His head is ringing all types of sirens he didn’t realise he had, and he locks his ensuite and rushes back to his bedroom, sitting on his bed in just a t-shirt and boxers, paralysed with fear. With dread, he knows he can’t drive a car competitively anymore.

He calls Carlin the next day to tell them he’s out for the last three rounds, that somebody else can get their dream shot. He lets his mum and dad know one evening over dinner and explains that he isn’t feeling well, they take it, but it isn’t the complete truth. It’s more like he’s completely losing his mind and everything is snowballing and he doesn’t know how to stop it. He lets Lando know via a phone call, but it’s always been Max looking after Lando not the other way around, and Lando can’t take much seriously but Max thinks he gets the basis of it. It’s one of the hardest conversations he’s ever had in his life. He doesn’t tell him all of it, but he says more than he said to his parents.

Dan is more empathetic. Max didn’t expect him to be, if he’s honest, he expected a joke and a shove but it’s not what he gets, and they end up talking for hours. The phone rings three times before Dan picks up,

“Hey mate,” He says with a gravelly voice. Max didn’t realise Dan’s voice could drop much further but it is, unlike his own,

“Hi, alright?” He gives his standard greeting and bites a nail.

“Yeah, not too bad, you?” It’s asked so innocently, a nicety, but Max notices that question nowadays. How are you? Most of the time he doesn’t know.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, actually,” He coughs, feeling a little awkward,

“Oh, alright then. My ears are open,” Dan replies, and Max can hear some clattering, he’s probably on speaker in Dan’s bathroom. He inhales deeply, lets calm wash over him, and begins,

“I’ve, um, fuck, sorry this is really hard. I haven’t been feeling too well, recently, in my head,” He pauses, “I’ve lost confidence in myself and the car and every weekend makes me miserable, so I’m not doing any more F3 rounds this year,” Dan makes a noise of surprise,

“That’s a brave choice you’ve made, mate,” He says,

“I feel like I’ve failed, to be perfectly honest,”

“You haven’t failed by putting yourself first, mate, that’s what we’re meant to do. I know you’re a good driver, everyone knows that, one hard season doesn’t mean you’re completely fucked,” Max feels himself tearing up,

“Thanks, Dan, that means a lot,” He says, sincerity thick in his voice. There’s no Sean Paul accent, just his honest Brummie voice, as it was as a child.

“Yeah, of course, I’m always here for you. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?” Max bites his lip, he hasn’t told anyone about the extent of his mental problems, and he does want to.

“Every day feels like a losing battle, just getting out of bed is so hard sometimes. I don’t, um, I don’t shower as much as I should,” It feels like a shameful admission, but Dan’s stays silent, lets him continue, “I’ve thought about hurting myself,” That gets Dan’s attention,

“Max,” He says sternly, “That’s proper deep shit, mate. Be honest with me, have you got any plans to hurt yourself today or in the coming days?” Max blows out a breath,

“No, but I’ll probably think about it,”

“Mate, just call me next time, okay? And I know this is a difficult question to answer but I feel like you need it, have you thought about killing yourself?” Max winces,

“Once,” He whispers, “Just once,”

“That’s okay, mate, it’s okay,” Dan says as Max feels hot tears roll down his face. He scrubs at his eyes angrily, leaving them red. He lets out a sob and he knows Dan can hear him from the noise he makes, “Cry as much as you want, I’m not going to judge you,” He calms himself down with a few deep breaths and some murmured words of encouragement from Dan,

“I haven’t told anyone else this, so don’t spread it around,”

“Mate, I would never, I maybe thick sometimes but I’m not that bad,” He says, and Max laughs wetly, “Have you thought about, you know, seeing someone about this?”

“What? Like a therapist?”

“Yeah, mate, you’re dealing with some tough shit,” Dan says it like it’s the most logical thing in the world, like it doesn’t carry the weight that it does,

“I don’t know, it all looks so terrifying on my own,” There’s a beat of silence,

“I’ll help you, I can come with you to the doctor's if you want,”

“Really?” Max feels like he’s seeing a side of Dan he hasn’t seen yet, and he’s weirdly proud, that this man who’s struggled so much to fit in, that has been characterised as an asshole, is capable of being a good man and a better friend,

“Yeah, of course, you’re my friend,” Dan tells him, and he smiles,

“Thank you,” He replies,

“We’re going to get through this, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah we are,” Max says, and for the first time, he believes it.

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! i hope u enjoyed this!! leave a comment if u did, i read every single one.
> 
> stay healthy, have a good day <3


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